Most men agree that getting dumped by your girlfriend is one of life’s biggest downers. But if you want to get her back, cheer up, there’s hope! After twenty years on the dating scene I’ve learned what works and what doesn’t when trying to get your ex back.
If you understand three simple rules about human nature, you’ll gain a powerful advantage over your ex. First you’ll discover how these rules work, then I’ll map out for you how to use them to get her back by going “No Contact”. (And you won’t have to waste all the time I did!) I’m proof that any breakup can turn out happily, and am now married to the love of my life for 11 years.
By the way, this article is long but worth the READ!! I get yelled at a lot for being wordy but in this case the words could save your relationship. So get a cup of coffee and read on…
Rule of Human Nature #1: We Typically Want What We Can’t Have.
Look at it this way: Someone offers you a jar of jelly beans and tells you, “take all the jelly beans you like except the red ones. Keep your hands off the red ones. And I’ve got my eye on you.”
Now quick, which jelly beans do you want? Aha! See what I mean?
Rule of Human Nature #2: Routines Can Turn Into Ruts.
Listen carefully: Many, many relationships end simply because someone interprets the “thrill” fading away as a sign they’re no longer in love. It’s totally normal as things start to fall into a routine that those feelings of wonder and excitement taper off. And things get kinda familiar and predictable.
So just because the fireworks have ended and she’s not fainting at the sight of you, your ex may have decided there’s something better out there.
Rule Of Human Nature #3: A Running Rabbit Speeds Up When He’s Chasing a Carrot
Yeah, the rule works for humans too. Imagine that your friend who gave you the jelly beans says he’ll be keeping an eye on you, but every now and then he leaves the room. You try to fight the urge, but you figure it’s worth a shot. You reach for the prize. Your fingers wrap around the red jelly bean and…your friend comes back and shouts, “drop it!!!” Arghh. You almost had the prize, and it slipped away! Now you REALLY want to get that jelly bean!
You’ve just revealed Rule #3: The thing we can’t have is never quite as intriguing as the thing that hovers JUST OUT OF REACH. It comes so close you can see it, smell it, almost taste it…and then it runs off again.
How To Use The Three Rules to Get Her Back
Rule 1: No Contact NOW (You Are Now A Red Jelly Bean)
The first step to get her back is make her believe that you’re fine with breaking up and that she no longer has access to you. So you start to reel her back in by going “No Contact” as soon as possible. Your ex will not have access to you at all. Don’t phone her. Don’t text her. And to make your life easier, don’t even LOG IN to Facebook for at least 30 days. You are now a red jelly bean. You will not only freak your ex out, but also give her a chance to miss you, think about you, and wonder where you are and what you’re doing.
Rule 2: Ex Boyfriend Version 2.0 (You’re New and Improved)
Your ex associates the “old you” with a relationship she didn’t want or maybe even got bored with. So do something to shake things up. So use your no contact period to make yourself “new and improved”. Take up a new sport. Or go on a wild adventure (take plenty of pictures!). Do something she could never get you to do while you two were together and make sure she finds out. (It’ll drive her nuts). Is there something you did that really bugged her? Change it. For example, if she hated that you sat around playing X Box all the time, get your butt of the couch. The next time she sees you you’ll be looking hot from all that time you’re now spending at the gym.
Bottom line, don’t be the same old predictable you. (Maybe she got bored!) If you want to get her back, show signs that you’ve changed and it will be hard for her not to notice when you see each other again. But please DON’T go calling her to tell her you’ve changed. Red Jelly Beans don’t beg.
Rule #3: Dangling the Carrot
At the end of 30 days, it’s time to start dangling yourself in front of your ex! Really we refer to this as “low contact” since there is SOME contact involved but it’s very carefully orchestrated to keep her feeling she wants more.
Make brief contact now and then, but always act like you’re busy and a wee bit distracted. Be upbeat, act nice, give her some clues about what you’ve been doing, but don’t connect all the dots for her; you want her to be curious. Keep conversations light and don’t bring up things about the relationship or trying to get her back. Just tell her you wanted to say hi and see how she’s been, and to get her caught up on what’s up with you.
If she hasn’t called you during that first 30 days, your first call to her will simply be to say hi and check in. Creating curiosity could also involve posting some pics on Facebook of you having fun with new friends. Maybe even have a very attractive female “friend” in there (heck, she could be someone’s sister who came along for the ride but your ex won’t need to know that).
Don’t actually lie, but do try to stir her imagination. You might drop hints to your ex that you’re up to something really big (a triathelon? working toward a promotion? planning a fun trip?) Start to tell her about it but then notice the time and say that you’ll have to finish your story another time. What you’re doing is creating mystery and intrigue. That’ll get her thinking about you because she has unanswered questions in her mind.
Important!: Whenever you connect, allow no more than fifteen minutes of contact, then rush off to something important that you have to do. Just don’t say what it is. Do NOT get sucked into a long conversation at this stage.
And if she calls or texts, don’t text right back. A day or two will keep you from looking too eager. You don’t want to look desperate and you certainly don’t want her to think you’ve been sitting around waiting for her call. Over the next few weeks you can start to ramp up the amount of time you “allow” your ex to spend with you, and before you know it, you two are dating again. Follow the plan without messing up and it works almost like magic.
CRITICAL INFO About The No Contact Rule:
* Not contacting your ex can feel like withdrawing from a drug. It’ really, really hard. Ask me how I know! I feel your pain. But just like an addict can’t have just a little bit of heroin, start communicating with your ex too soon and you lose control. The no contact rule works if you think of it as a means to an end.
* Your ex may try to contact you before the no contact period is over, but you must NOT give her the reward of making a connection. The one thing you’ll allow yourself to do is send a letter by snail mail saying you’re in a good space with the breakup and taking time for yourself right now. That’s all. Don’t send email or text (they don’t carry as much weight as a physical letter).
* If she thinks you’re easy, if she knows you’re waiting in the wings, if you’re willing to ask “how high” every time she says “jump”, then your ex will figure she can just keep you on tap for her convenience. Always keep rule #1 in mind: The more she thinks she can’t have you, the more she will miss and want you. It’s human nature!
I hope you’ve found this article both enlightening and informative. There are a number of sites and articles that can tell you more about about how to get her back and avoid the most deadly breakup mistakes.